When the negative self-talk rears it’s head….again!

So, this weekend, I took a massive plunge and did a photoshoot in my undies…in a lake! I know, must be nuts! I hadn’t really registered the nerves to be honest and the actual shoot felt very empowering in a ‘I feel weirdly comfortable’ kind of way…. So when the photos came through I was surprised at the instant judgement I made about my body. The thing is, the women I had been with at the time had similar bodies to me and I thought they looked INCREDIBLE. So why was my own body image devil rearing it’s head now? And what do I do about it?

 

I immediately shut the voice down and distracted myself with something else. Luckily, from all of the work I have already done in this area, I knew that it’s simply that barking dog, coming to the fore front of my head and needing someone to tell it to ‘pipe the hell down.’ So I did. And it did.

 

When I came back to the shots next time, my expectations were different. Although I often tell myself and clients to see themselves in their underwear or naked more often to become more familiar with how you look now, as opposed to how you used to look, it still felt very confronting seeing myself like this. But, second time, it didn’t feel so unfamiliar. It felt very familiar, almost like `I’d forgotten that’s the body I live in now.

 

Then I reminded myself of why my body has changed, not in a blame game kind of way, more compassionate and a reflection of all the things this body has achieved. I even ran a half marathon only a week earlier, how can I be questioning what she’s capable of?

 

Then, I owned up to my feelings. I wrote them all out in my journal, every single feeling I’d felt. And I actually ‘fessed up to Becky who took the shots, who was amazing at giving it all a similar perspective to the above processes, but from a human, it just connects more doesn’t it?

 

I am very aware that the connotations of this confession are steeped in fatphobia, a concept I very often will call out in others. So here I am, calling it out in myself. I didn’t know it was there, I judged the body I am in right now and for a fleeting moment, I judged the person I am in it. And that SUCKS! Because not one tiny part of how a person appears links to who they are, it is, essentially, just a body.

 

But I decided to write this, and share it with you, to show you that this is an ongoing journey. I have done a lot of work on myself in order to know how good a body I have. Yet, this popped up out of nowhere. THIS is why it’s important to develop those tools to bounce back from it. For me, it happened very quickly and withing 12 hours I was happy looking at those images and feeling like the goddess I embodied, the goddess I am ffs!

 

I also, cannot take any blame for this and neither can you. We were raised in a world that valued looks over souls and while we’re moving through it albeit very slowly, things are changing for the positive, it is still everywhere. Will crop up at the most unwanted moments, will be triggered by the smallest comment or lack of comment from a loved one, a glance in a changing room mirror, a button that feels tighter than last time.

 

I wasn’t sure whether to share this, or sit on these feelings. But I’m not usually one for keeping things to myself and rather than judge me for not being ‘fixed’ I’d hope that you feel compassion for this vulnerability I’ve shown, my flaws and all. And for yourself too.